Letter to Santa

My girlfriend’s little boy wrote a letter to Santa as an assignment in his classroom.  Santa wrote all the children back, and the little boy was thrilled show his mom the letter.  She was confused after she read the letter.

“I didn’t realize you wanted a ball for Christmas.”

The boy replied, “I don’t, but I didn’t know how to spell Star Wars Clone Trooper Blaster.”

May all your Christmas wishes come true - even if you don’t know how to spell it.

fears

While I was riding the escalator at the mall with my youngest, I thought about how having kids (especially boys) has gotten me over all kinds of fears.

Escalators have always made me nervous, especially going down on them.  I always think that I’m going to get my foot caught, trip and fall.  I’ve heard horror stories about people falling and their hair getting caught in the escalator and they were scalped. (probably an urban myth, but I’m extra careful - I like my hair)

When they opened a movie theater on the fifth floor of our mall, I made Steve take the elevator.  Five flights of escalators with nothing but glass on either side, showing me how high up I am, completely freaked me out.

Now look at me.  Luke is having the time of his life riding up and down on these escalators and I’m along for the ride.  I might not love every minute of it, but my heart isn’t racing.

There are other fears I’ve conquered: pain (c-sections, lung surgery), blood (too many trips to the emergency room), gigantic bugs (”can we keep him?? I already named him Bob!”), and all kinds of bodily fluids.

All this in the name of motherhood.  Oh the things we do for our kids.

motherly advice

My youngest is driving me nuts.  If I say left, he says right.  Black is white and up is down.  You get the point - he is testing his boundaries.

My friend told me that when she was a nanny, the parents of the little girl she watched told her that they didn’t want her spirit broken.  Personally I’m all for breaking spirits - they need to know who is the boss.  Parents are too busy trying to be friends with their kids and having conversations about their wrong choices.  Pleeeeese - sometimes no is no and it is “because I said so”.

This week has been especially trying with Luke.  He had a field trip to go rake and jump in leaves which he refused to participate in.  He stood off to the side, with his little arms crossed and pout on his lips.  The other parents were amused, I was embarrassed and the teacher was perplexed -”I’ve never seen Luke act like this before”.  Lucky me - he saves all his obstinacy for me! (actually,  I’m glad he is good in school.)

I was complaining to my mom about this.  I was dreading Halloween because he was already telling me he was not going to wear his costume.  My mom suggested that I tell him that if he doesn’t wear his costume, then he doesn’t get to do the fun stuff, and then walk away.

This advice kind of irritated me.   All I wanted to do was bitch, but I got advice.  Does she think I don’t know what I’m doing.  Does she think I’m a pushover?  Does she think Luke’s a brat?

After a day of stewing about it, I got a chance to apply her advice.

The day of Halloween we had a zillion places and parties to go to.  Luke really wanted to go to all of them but was refusing to wear a costume.  So I said, “No costume, no parties or trick or treating.”

This of course sent him into a frenzy - but once he realized I meant business, he grudgingly donned his costume and off we went.

Mom’s advice worked!!!

I hate it when she is right.

I don’t know where Luke got his stubborness.

from the mouth of babes

We all think our kids are smart - I’m no exception.

My three year old blows me out of the water some days.  He has a vast vocabulary and is always explaining what he is trying to say, as if I’m the 3 year old and he is the adult.

Here are some examples of Lukeyisums:

Luke:  It is very sloppy outside.  Do you know what I mean Mama?  It means it is raining really hard.

———————————————————————-

Me:  We have to run a couple errands.  We are going to the pharmacy and the grocery store.

Luke:  Where else are we going??

Me:  That’s all.

Luke:  Moooommm, in my book a couple means three, not two.

————————————————-

Luke:  Mom, these monster shoes are pretty awesome.  Not pretty as in beautiful, but pretty as in very.

—————————————————–

Okay reading these back they don’t seem that remarkable, but when they are coming out of my little one’s mouth they simply delight me.

campin’

Note from editor: I started this at the end of summer - It’s a funny story so I thought I would still publish it.

We just returned from camping with our friends.  Back before kids, we were serious campers.  We would hike in to a beautiful remote spot - and enjoy peace and nature.

Now we car camp.  Just drive up, park and set up your tent.  Who knew camping was so easy?!  I’m not sure if I really like it, but the kids have fun and I love a campfire.

When we checked in, we noticed that we were in the middle of what looked like a family reunion.  All the other campsites were reserved for the Farnsworth’s.

Well those Farnsworth’s love to party - their picnic tables were covered with bottles of liquor and they were pretty loud.  Luckily the sites are far apart so they didn’t really bother us.

Late the first night I was walking back from the bathroom (yeah there were flushing toilets - sue me) and I heard some loud crackling.  As I got closer to our campsite I saw tall flames from the adjacent campsite licking the air.  I ran to see what was on fire and it turns out that the Farnsworth’s love a giant bonfire and were pouring cans of gasoline on their campfire (dumb@#$).  A ranger was right behind me, so I told her what I saw and headed back to bed.

The next morning we awoke to three police cars giving the Farnsworth’s 1 hour to clear out.  It turns out that they were actually a local company all camping together.

Now here is the kicker (I am not making this up) - their company is called Fire Protection - they install sprinklers in buildings.  Maybe they were trying to kick up a little business.

Campfires and police - our boys thought it was the best camping trip ever!!!

sun

The following is a real conversation my 3 year old had with me this morning.  His preschool is going to go on a little fieldtrip to the park to rake leaves and jump in them.

Luke- “Mom, I’m excited about going to rake the leaves, but the sun is really bugging me.” (We’ve had some beautiful sunny days this last week.)

Me - “Why is the sun bugging you?  I know for a fact that he really likes you - he called me on the phone to tell me.”

Silence - I can actually hear the wheels turning in his 3 year old brain.

Luke - “Mom, the sun doesn’t have a phone!”

Busted - my days of making crazy crap up are coming to an end.

It bums me out - if I can’t mess with my kids who am I going to mess with?

shopko

Today when I was talking to my 3 year old about school, he informed me that they went to Shopko.

I figured that this was a role playing game like going to the doctor or playing school.

So I ask, “How do you play going to Shopko?”

In his most exasperated 3 year old voice Luke replies, “Mooooom (I can’t truly describe the whininess in his voice, but I’m sure the moms out there know the tone)- you don’t play going to Shopko, you just go to Shopko.”

Now I’m really confused - what is Mrs. Nyholm doing taking 10 three year olds to Shopko.  Seems like a strange fieldtrip.

Trying to get more information I ask him what they did at Shopko.

“Oh Pastor Eric made us sing some Jesus songs and then he read out of the same old book he read out of last time.”

Ah ha!!!  Shopko is actually chapel and that same old book is the Bible.

Mystery solved!!

emergency

I’ve always been jealous of boys.  Camping is so much easier for them simply because of their “equipment”.  I don’t know how many times I’ve peed on my shoes or on my pants.

This last summer my husband taught my youngest the thrill of outdoor peeing.  They were at a park and the restrooms were closed.  After much cajoling he peed on his first tree and has never looked back.

After I caught him “watering” our garden a couple times (hmmm….the tomatoes are especially plump this year), I told him that peeing outside was only for emergencies.

I was remembering back to the first couple weeks of school when I was teaching.  Every year we would have a couple 1st graders relieving themselves at recess.  They were use to peeing outside and had to be taught that the playground wasn’t one big toilet.

My child was not going to be one of those kids.  It is a neat trick, but should only be used in emergency situations.

This is how Luke handled this revelation.

Begging at the back door to be let outside (we don’t need a dog, we’ve got Luke!), the moment he gets outside he announces he has an emergency.  I state that it isn’t an emergency when the bathroom is only a couple steps away.  This just makes him mad and he throws a little tantrum (is that all you got kid?), insisting the whole time that “It’s an EMERGENCY!!”.

I drag him inside and make him pee in the real potty, because , I remind him, I am the meanest Mommy in the world.  This statement just makes him madder.

Luke and his evil mind have come up with a new solution to his need to pee in nature.  When I’m pushing him in the stroller and not a potty in sight, he will have an emergency.  The last emergency happened while we were walking through a beautiful mansion filled street.

Mama didn’t raise no trash - we don’t pee in other people’s yards.

Luckily there was a median full of trees running down the middle of the street.  I got one dirty look from an old lady, but we got away with it in the end.  Nothing like the call of nature while in nature.

sense of humor

Just to let all of you know, my mother-in-law has a wonderful sense of humor.

I called her about my last post.  I got her answering machine so I left her this message.  “Hi Barb, I got your message about me not blogging.  I left you a post on my blog.  Call me after you read it!”

When she called, she said she laughed out loud - I knew she wouldn’t take offense.  So to ease the minds of those of you who worried she would be mad, rest assure - she gets me and I get her.

And she had the last laugh - she said, “Ha!  I got you to blog again!”

under pressure

I have been slammed with life lately and haven’t been writing.  I miss it because it is very therapeutic.

My mom-in-law called me today to inform me that she has just about given up on reading my blog, because I haven’t posted for so long.

All I have to say is, “Get off my back!!!”

Wow, that was therapeutic - I guess I need to start writing again.

emotional over lunch

The last couple days Zach has come home very emotional.  They told me that 1st grade would be exhausting for the first few weeks - I didn’t realize just how true that was.

Our emotional break downs have happened around the subject of lunch.

The first day of school I told Zach that I was going to put a note in his cold lunch, if that was okay with him.  I wanted to make sure a note wouldn’t embarrass him.

Zach’s face fell and he started sobbing.  I back tracked and told him not to worry, I wouldn’t put a note in his lunch.  This made him cry even harder.  When he finally settled down he said, “Mommmm - I can’t read!”

I told him I would only write things that he could read.  I showed him a couple examples and promised I wouldn’t write any words he didn’t know yet.

The next day Zach brought home the hot lunch menu.  He wanted to get hot lunch because he saw that they had french fries for lunch.  I explained that if he took hot lunch, he had to eat everything, not just the french fries.

So we read the next day’s lunch - pizza, salad and apple slices.  Zach burst into tears.  He sobbed that he wanted pizza, but he couldn’t eat the salad.   Luckily we were having pizza for dinner, so I could stick a couple cold pieces in his lunch.

Who knew lunch could be so stressful?!

preschool

Today was Luke’s first day of preschool.  He was very hesitant, but once we were there he was excited.

When I went to kiss him goodbye, I looked up and he was pointing his finger at me like a gun.  *Just for the record, we have tried really hard to not have weapons of mass destruction.  With two boys it has been an uphill battle.*

Mortified, I hissed, “Put that gun away!”

Without batting an eye he put his pretend gun in his pretend holster.

At least he has an imagination - but for goodness sakes - can’t we make some friends before start showing our violent side?!

1st grade

Today Zach entered first grade.  My heart has ached all weekend.  I’ve been an emotional mess just thinking about it.  Every time I saw a back-to-school commercial I would well up (the smell of paste would probably put me over the edge).

What is wrong with me??  Last year when he went off to kindergarten I was thrilled.  Three hours to give Lukey a little one-on-one time (and if I could pawn him off, a little me time).  But six hours seems like such a long day.

I know I’m lucky -  Zach loves school and has an amazing teacher.  I don’t know how parents do it when they have a child with special needs, or a kid who doesn’t want to go to school, or a substandard teacher.  We are truly blessed.

It is just that I can’t control what is going on in his day anymore.  I can’t make a bully leave him alone, find him friends, help him read.  I have to let go a little bit and I don’t feel ready.

I read somewhere that having a child is like wearing your heart on the outside (whoever said this, said it much more poetically).  That is how I’m feeling right now - my heart is aching and I have a lump in my throat.  I want to make everything go great, but I don’t have that power (did I ever??).

When I left him this morning he was so happy - sitting in a group with a bunch of friends from kindergarten.  I know he won’t have any problems.  He’s bright, friendly and eager to please.  I’m the one with the problem.

So I hid my panic, put on a brave face and sent him off into the big wide world-  hoping that some of me rubbed off on him and will keep him safe until he is returned to me at 3:00.

new olympic sport

Zach just had his third set of ear tubes put in a couple days ago.  Things went great, and he could immediately hear better.  The only set back was when we got back from the hospital, Zach barfed all over himself.

Thank god for my mother-in-law’s old steam cleaner.  It’s seen better days, but it still does the job.

While I was cleaning the steam cleaner in the kitchen, I overheard my youngest making Zach belly laugh.  Curious, I went into the other room to see what was so funny.

“Look mama - barf jumping!” Luke yelled as he jumped over the newly cleaned spot.

I’d like to see the Chinese beat us in that!

the great peanut butter debate

My husband and I keep having this crazy argument.  He is a teacher and he is under my feet home for the summer.  I love having him around, but he’s been messing up my morning routine. He gets up with the boys every the morning.  This is wonderful.  He feeds them breakfast.  Still wonderful.  He feeds them toasted peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.  Ugh!!! He is taking away one of my lunch options!  Doesn’t he understand that I think these things out?!!   And there are only so many things my little guy will eat for lunch.  But for breakfast he’ll eat anything- he loves everything that has to do with breakfast. I might have mentioned before that my youngest is a picky eater.  The only proteins he’ll touch are bacon, chicken nuggets and peanut butter.  So you can understand my frustration when my husband feeds him toasted PB & J for breakfast. And here is the kicker.  If he happens to be feeding them lunch, he’ll fix peanut butter and jelly again - just not on toasted bread (way to switch it up honey). My husband thinks I’m being crazy (ie. anal), because he makes the sandwiches as nutritional as possible (whole wheat bread, natural peanut butter, organic jam).   I just don’t think it should be served twice a day. I can’t count how many times Steve and I have argued about this. Then when I saw Steve pour himself a bowl of cereal for lunch.  Genius - why do we have to have certain foods at certain times?  If I can’t get Steve to see the error in his ways, maybe I can change the way I do things. So I served pancakes for lunch.  You should have seen Luke’s face.  He thought I was the coolest mom ever.  Thanks honey!

peer pressure

It has already begun. My son is feeling the pressure to fit in.  And he is only six.

But what has surprised me the most is the peer pressure I’ve begun to feel from other mothers. Sometimes I feel like moms see me as over protective, controlling,  not cool.

I don’t think kids need the latest technology. My kids aren’t going to have video games anytime soon- this is already killing my son. He can’t believe I won’t give in. I remind him that I’m the meanest mom in the world and that he’ll thank me someday.  His buddies have video games - he can play at their house.

Right now it is video games. Later it will be cell phones, iPods, beer and sex.  Everyone else has it (or does it). They will be social outcasts if they don’t.  This reasoning just doesn’t fly with me.  I think the pressure to fit in is even stronger for girls. For that reason I am thankful for my boys.

I have a few friends that agree with me - but I’m definitely in the minority.  I thought I left peer pressure behind in high school-geesh.

A news article I recently read talked about a book called “Bringing up Geeks- how to protect you kid’s childhood in a grow-up-too-fast world”.  I immediately ordered it from Amazon.  I’ll let you know if it is any good.

I’ve always said I want my kids to be a little nerdy, just like me.  I don’t want them to be so geeky that their adolescence is painful, but I also don’t want them to be ‘big man on campus’.  A little geekiness keeps you grounded.

Any help out there would be appreciated.

innocence

The past week I’ve watched a little piece of innocence slip away.  It makes my heart ache.

Zach is very good friends with a little boy that is almost a year older.  His parents held him back so he is in the same grade as Zach.  He has an older brother and this makes him very worldly.  My son adores him.

We went to the waterpark the other day with him and another boy.  Zach is just learning to swim and doesn’t have a lot of confidence yet.  The “worldly” boys wanted to go down the huge water slide right away.  They are nice kids and really tried to get Zach to go with them, but he was having none of it.

I watched for an hour as Zach watched the other boys go down the huge slides over and over again.  It broke my heart- I know what it feels like to be scared to try something new.  I know how it hurts to feel left out.

Finally Zach came over and asked if I would go down the slide with him.  I was thrilled that he was going to give it a try.

As we climbed to the top of the slide, I felt his grip tighten on my hand.  I was nervous too, but I kept my voice calm and reassuring.

When he was ready, we slid down together.  His screams of terror soon turned to giggles of joy.  He did it!!  I was so proud of him.

After a few more times he was ready to go with his friends.  They spent the rest of the afternoon going down the slide together.

Zach walked in that afternoon a scared little kid.  He left a proud big boy.  I was excited for him, but a little sad for me.  I know it is cliche, but they really do grow up quickly.

cousins

Our trip to Colorado has been so much fun.  The cousins hadn’t met before (actually they did meet 5 years ago, but Zach was 1 1/2 so they don’t remember) and we weren’t sure how they would get along.  I was pretty confident that they would be instant friends, and I was right.

Henry (7) is a year older than Zach (6) and Ainsley (5) is a year older than Luke (3 1/2), so Rob’s kids took charge and my kids went along for the ride.

Durango has so many fun things to do that the first couple days we were on the go all the time.  But as the trip wore on, the kids have been happy as clams just playing at home.  New toys, new house, lots of adventures.

They live just a couple blocks from downtown and the river, so we did lots of walking around.  On one of these walks, Luke and Ainsley were holding hands.  I asked Luke if he was enjoying his new friend Ainsley.

Lukey looked at me very seriously and said, “She isn’t my friend - she’s my cousin.”

Remembering how much I adored my cousins I knew exactly what he meant.  Maybe a new definition of cousin could be “most beloved friend”.

I’m so glad my kids got this chance to discover their cousins.  It will be a summer they will always remember.

flyin’

*Warning-the following blog contains lots of bodily fluids. Those with sensitive stomachs might want to skip this entry*

We are visiting my brother in Colorado. We took our Bush Bribe and used it to stimulate the economy (you’re welcome. It’s totally working!).

I get motion sick pretty easily riding in a car. Planes don’t usually bug me, but I took some Dramamine just in case. The first leg of our trip was really bumpy coming in for a landing and I actually used the barf bag.

I was mortified. I’ve never gotten sick on a plane before. I’ve also never sat next to anyone who had to use one of those bags. I was sitting next to my husband, so I’m not sure if anyone else noticed what was going on.

My husband assures me that the smell probably gave me away.

This is not the first time that something like this has happened to me.

A couple of years ago just Zach and I flew down to visit my brother and his family. I love visiting them but we are very different. I’m a planner, and Rob is a seize the moment kind of guy. When my kids were young, I was all about schedules. Rob’s kids had to be very flexible - naps were taken in the car on their way to the next adventure.

The day I was flying home, Rob decided to take us hiking before I left (squeeze in every bit of fun possible). We ended up running late to the airport, and I had to run to catch the plane. Let me state for the record that I had plenty of diapers - they were just in my checked bag. You can probably guess what happened next.

On the final leg of our trip, Zach pooped in his last diaper before we took off. I pushed the help button and asked the attendant if she had any diapers. She looked at me in disgust and wondered aloud why I wasn’t better prepared (I was wondering that myself).

I slinked (slunk?) back to the restroom, hoping that he had pellet poop. I figured I could scrape out the poo and reuse the diaper. No such luck - he had some nice squishy poop that had seeped through the diaper.

I had to get creative. I took Zach’s extra clothes and MacGyvered him a diaper. I was pretty proud of myself.

Later the attendant checked back with me and I shared my success story. She was duly impressed. No longer disgusted, she offered me a free glass of wine.

At the end of the flight we had come up with another idea for a make shift diaper. Maxi pads - they have those on airplanes (feel free to use my idea).

This trip was easy with my kids - I was the only one with problems. Thank goodness they didn’t inherit my motion sickness.

On our return trip I’m taking plenty of Dramamine - and maybe some air freshener.

tears

While I’m thinking about Jason and his grandma I thought I would share a funny story that happened earlier in the year.

I was picking up Zach after school and had had an emotional morning talking with my pastor about some health issues (I’ll write more about that later).

My face must have been tear stained, because when I arrived at school Jason’s grandma immediately asked if I was okay.

I explained what was going on and she gave me a big hug and said (I swear I’m not making this up), “Oh honey- I know exactly how you feel. When I go to the store and look for a card for Big Jason, there aren’t any cards that say, ‘I miss you and I’m sorry you are put away for life.’ ”

We both cracked up and I said, “Bev, you put it all into perspective. ”

When bad things happen you can aways find someone in a tougher situation.

video poker

Ugh!  My husband has hijacked my our computer.  I haven’t blogged for a week because any free moment we have, my husband is on the computer playing video poker. Like everything else in his life, he attacks his new interest with gusto.  This is what I love about him, but it also drives me nuts. Biking, fishing, running, hunting for fossils- he gets obsessed and thinks about it all the time.  How can poker be that interesting?  He watches it on t.v. for gosh sakes.  Similar to watching paint dry, but at least the wall is getting painted (hint, hint). But here is the good news.  He isn’t using real money.  It is all pretend, but he still gets pretty angry when the chips are down. This is our conversation the first couple days.  I would get money updates every hour or so (yes he would play for hours). “Jane, I’m up $40,000!!” Me feigning interest, “Honey that’s great!” one hour later “Jane, I’m up 50,000!!” “Wow, that is awesome!” as his children are screaming in the background. (yes my kids scream and I yell - get over it.) two hours later “Jane, I up 72,000!!” Me - “You do realize this is pretend money don’t you???” Okay I’m exaggerating a titch (is that really a word??? Spell check didn’t catch it so I’m using it.  Get over yourself Webster’s). When I stopped getting updates I foolishly thought that he had stopped playing.  No, he was now losing.  This made him grumpy. “I’m getting crappy cards.” This game is free on the internet.  I was convinced that after they got you hooked they would introduce a game you could play for actual money.  Thank God that hasn’t happened yet. For now I’m going to try and get his attention.  I think I’ll dress as a pair of aces tonight.  Wish me luck.

where’s the love antarctica?

I can’t believe I have a dot on every continent (well except Antarctica - do they really count?) . Can I say again how much I love my ClustrMap.

I wonder if these women from various countries (I assume most are women) get my sense of humor - does it translate across the ocean or do I come off as a bit crazy?

I still would love to hear from someone working in one of those science pods in Antarctica, but I don’t suppose they spend a lot of time looking at mommy blogs. Probably too busy doing all kinds of important sciency stuff. Whatever.

When I was in my 20’s my goal was to visit every continent. Now it is to be read by a person on every continent. I know, a little lame, but a lot more realistic. And some day hubby and I will try to achieve the other goal…if the children haven’t sucked us dry.

But for now - show me some love Antarctica.

sword fighting

I don’t know how moms survived before clorox wipes (this is the second time I’ve mentioned them in my blog - don’t you think I should be getting some free products - or 50 cents off coupons??).  And as the only female in a house full of standing up boys, there is a lot of urine to be wiped up. Yuck! A master’s degree and this is what I do with my day.

My youngest is displaying his independence by resisting to do everything I ask of him. So at bath time the other night, he wouldn’t pee. He still bathes with his brother and for his sake (his brother’s sake really) I was trying to get him to pee, because as soon as he hits the bath, the warm water does its trick. And that’s just gross. I’m trying to get these boys clean.

So my husband came up with the great idea of having both boys pee at the same time. Genius! As you can deduce from the title it soon turned into a sword fight.

What I was trying to avoid in the first place was what happened anyway - urine soaked boys - yummy!

This is where the wipes come in handy.

I told this story to a male friend of mine, and he informed me that in college they had sword fights in the dorm bathrooms. Double yuck.

I asked my husband about this, and he was mortified - no sword fighting going on in his fraternity.

So now I’m wondering, is it a dorm thing? A college thing? A brother thing?

Any guys out there with some insight to the “sport”?

Luke o’seuss

Luke has been talking in lyrical sentences lately.  They are amusing to listen to, and he sounds a bit like Dr. Seuss.

Did he pick up this speech pattern from his favorite books?  We’ll never know.  But this is how he asks a question.

“Can I go to the park Mama, can I?”

“Where is my baby Mama, where?”

“How many bites Mama, how many?”

Cute when you are 3 years old, but we’ll have to break this habit before he hits high school.  I can just see it hear it now.

“Will you go to the movies with me, will you?”

“Do you have the notes from Mr. Blake’s class, do you?

He’ll be ridiculed- luckily time is on our side.

Until then, don’t you think it’s kinda cute, don’t you???

nazis receptionist

Ugh - another sick kid. The receptionist (who is “protecting” her doctor from the crazy mom that, God forbid, would like to make an appointment in this decade) is being a total b$%ch!

This happens to be an ear specialist, and your child has to be bleeding out of both ears in order to see the doctor in 2008.

The conversation went something like this -

“Can the doctor see Zach this week - he is having a weird discharge out of his left ear, and he doesn’t seem to be hearing us.”

Annoyed receptionist replies, “I can get you in on August 28th.”

Calm mom, “I really need to see someone this week.”

“Our earliest is August 28th.” She says this louder because maybe I’m the one with the hearing problem.

“Is there someone else we can see. I’m really concerned about his hearing.”

“Yes, I would be concerned too.”

Then get me in b%#ch!

(inside thought - must be calm - this is the only way to get to the doctor)

“So can I see someone this week?”

Heavy sigh - “Our earliest appointment is August 28th.”

“Who else can I see? I want someone to see him this week.”

silence

Cold icy voice - “One moment please…”

Elevator music for 5 minutes - I think she is hoping I will hang up. Think again b#$ch.

“You can see the P.A. this Wednesday.”

Me in my syrupiest voice, “Thank you so much - we really needed to get in this week.”

And we did need to get in.

The P.A. found that Zach has significant hearing loss in both ears. For the last couple days, I’ve noticed that speaking to him is like playing the telephone game.

I’d say, “Go to bed!” and he’d say, “Show my head?”

He had tubes taken out a month earlier, and they think fluid has built up behind his ears again.

Frustrating for everyone involved. It breaks my heart that he’ll have to have a 3rd pair of tubes.

But there is a silver lining in all of this - he isn’t being a turkey and ignoring me. Unfortunately he really can’t hear me.

can i have a cookie with that?

My oldest woke up with the barfs this morning. If you don’t know my family, you probably think we are the sickest family in the world. Since I’m the one who ends up cleaning all the barf and diarrhea, I would agree with you.

Today when my son was half way through his barfing episode (cue Linda Blair tape), he looked up at me and said, “Mama, did I earn a cookie?”

Let me explain. Because Zach is the barfiest child in the history of the world (I don’t have the data to back this up - just an educated guess), about a year ago I told him that if he either barfed in the toilet or in a bowl, he got a cookie.

Since then I have had to clean up significately less barf .

So with his eye on the prize, mid gag, with puke on his chin, my son asked for a cookie.

See, bribing does work.

birds and bees

One of my dearest friends has 3 kids (twins and a spare) that my boys adore. Her twins are a boy and girl, and Zach has convinced the girl, Anna, that they will marry someday. She is on board with this plan most days.

About a month ago Zach came to me and told me that Anna and he were going to adopt a boy and girl after they got married. Curious, I asked why they were adopting. He told me he didn’t want Anna to have her stomach cut open to get the babies out (I’ve had two c-sections, so he thought that is how all babies are born).

I told him that most babies aren’t born that way, that babies come out down by your bum and that there is no cutting involved. I didn’t want to have this conversation yet, so I tried to keep it simple. Silly me-I thought that would be the end of it.

Yesterday, Zach’s betrothed was over with her brothers. Her mom and I were outside watching the kids. The kids were huddled together talking (never a good sign) when Anna and her brother Warren came running up shouting, “Mommy, do babies really come out of your bum?”.

I had forgotten Zach’s and my earlier conversation, but now it all came rushing back. I sheepishly smiled at my friend Paula and admitted that it was probably Zach who gave them the information. She thought it was funny (that’s why I love her).

We explained that babies come out another special hole, called a vagina, that only girls have (ugh!- I can’t believe this is happening already). The wide-eyed the kids took in this new information and headed off to play.

Later, Zach and Anna come up and had some new plans for the future. They shared that they are going to get married in our backyard, go to California, adopt a baby and then head over to Disneyland.

I guess having a baby out your bum doesn’t sound any better than getting your tummy cut open.

There are a lot of babies that need good homes. And what newborn wouldn’t love to go to Disneyland!

the s@#$ word

Yesterday while we were driving in our car my son asked me, “Mama, do you know the “s” word?”

Uh yeah, I know the “s” word. I’ve been editing myself since you were born so you didn’t learn the “s” word from me.

I had a feel this would be coming. My friend’s son came home knowing the “f” word a couple of weeks ago. I had to tease because her son’s school is the high achieving lily white school, where mine draws from a more diverse population. And my son hadn’t learned the “f” or “s” word. Until now.

“Yes I know the ’s’ word,” I answered. Do I really have to have this talk? Here it goes - let’s find out what he knows.

“Why don’t you whisper the ’s’ word to me.”

“Are you sure I won’t get in trouble?”

“Yes.”

“Okay —stupid”, he whispers.

Phew - I’m absolutely relieved.

Then he wants to know why there are bad words in the first place. Who invented them? Ummm - good question.

“Why do you think there are bad words?” When I don’t have an answer, I turn the question back to him (good strategy for when I’m stumped - which seems to happen more and more).

“Probably to just be naughty,” he answers after thinking about it for awhile.

Good enough for me. Sooner or later he’ll be coming home with the real “s” and “f” word and a little bit of his innocence will slip away. I still don’t know what I’ll say - any ideas out there?

dots- glorious dots!

I know I’m suppose to be bloggin’ to relieve stress, share ideas and have a written record that will mortify my boys some day, but lately I’ve become obsessed with my Cluster Map.

My buddy at Any Mommy Out There? (check her out - she’s great) showed me this map. It not only keeps track of how many hits you have a day, it also puts a dot on the map of where your fellow blogger is bloggin’ from. It is fabulous. Not only do I have a strong following in North America (all 5 of you!), I also have people checking me out in Europe, South America and Australia!!! How did that happen?? It is so exciting, but now I want more. Wouldn’t it be great to get a dot on every continent?!

For the last two days my number of hits has been in the 20’s. I know that is lame to people like my brother who has thousands of hits every day, but I’m psyched. And I want more - it is kind of sick. I haven’t gotten to the point that I’m bribing my kids so I can blog in peace - well okay just once, but I really had some good stuff I needed to get down- like I said - little obsessed.

Hey it isn’t alcohol or pain killers - just bloggin’.

And dots.

Come on Antarctica, show me the love!

provo callin’

I love caller id.  We’ve had it for a year, and it is great for avoiding calls I don’t want to take (no mom and dad-I’m not screening you).  Recently in the evenings we’ve been getting calls from Provo, UT.  We don’t know anyone from there, so we haven’t picked up.

Then it hit me.  Donny Osmond lives there - could he finally have realized that I’m the one after all these years??

I know, I know - I’m happily married and so is he, but Donny and I go way back.  He was the star of my childhood fantasies.  Let me tell you how these dreams went (don’t worry - the following fantasy is G-rated).

Donny and his brothers would be touring in Northern Idaho and playing a concert in Moscow, the college town I grew up in.  They would get lost in town and end up on our dead end street.  Their tour bus would break down in front of our house and he would knock on our door, take one look at me and fall instantly in love.  He would invite me on the tour and off I would go. 

This is where the fantasy ends.  Not very realistic that my folks would let me (ten years old) go on road with the Osmonds -no matter how down to earth (ie. mormany)  they are.  I even dreamed of having dark hair just like his sister Marie - I would fit right in.

This is a very chaste fantasy.  Donny and I would hold hands, possibly kiss (no tongue - gross!).

Finally I decide to pick up the phone.  If Donny was ready to talk, I’m in. But sadly it was a telemarketer.  So I’ll wait.  I’ve waited 30 years - there is still a place in my heart for Donny.

Call me.

library book abyss

I’m a book whore and I seem to have passed this trait on to my children. Whenever we go to the library we always seem to walk out with way too many books.

Here is the crux of my problem. My kids love non-fiction books. Right now they are into sharks, dinosaurs and outer space. The kids love to look at the pictures, but these books are a real snooze to read (and a lot of words I can’t pronounce).

So after the kids have chosen their non-fiction books, I sit them at a table to pour over the pictures. Then I go and find some good story books to read at bedtime. Because no matter how many dinosaur books we bring home - it is always the story books that get chosen at bedtime (thank goodness!). So not only are we checking out books on the topic of the week, we are also getting any fiction book that catches my eye. Our pile becomes enormous.

By the time we leave the library we have yet again checked out way too many books. But here is the real problem with all this- trying to find all these darn books when it is time to return them to the library. I swear I spend a couple hours each week trying to locate library books. I’ve tried all sorts of systems but nothing has helped. (any good ideas out there? let me know.)

So every week before we head back to the library, as I am swearing under my breath looking for Attack of the Killer Whales, I silently pledge that I will set limits this time. The kids will check out 3 books each. Then as I walk through the door all this new found resolve just floats away.

“Look at that book, ohh this one looks cool, okay just one more. ”

Like I said - book whore.

secret society

There is a mom at my son’s co-op who is a fellow blogger. When we discovered our mutual addiction we were giddy. It is like this secret society- I had no idea how many mommy bloggers there were out there. There are some seriously funny writers who look at parenting through the same dry humor glasses I use. My friend Stacy is one of those people, so I’m giving her a shout out and nominating her for The Perfect Post Award. You can check her out at Any Mommy Out There?

My favorite post of hers from the last month is called The Results Are In from May 19th. She polled her friends about their cereal intake and whether they bore boys. Her illustrations are hilarious. I wish she had written my high school science book - the class would have been much more entertaining.

So here’s to you my fellow blogger. May you continue to use your kids’ nap time in order to write the perfect post!

corndogs

Today my oldest got to experience a day in 1st grade. He was so excited. They got to meet the first grade teachers and do some first grade projects. But best of all they got to eat lunch at school.

My son came home yesterday asking me a question I never thought one of my kids would utter.

“Mom, what are corndogs?”

Yikes! How could I have forgotten to introduce my children to the wonders of corndogs? Corndogs and I have a long history together, dating back to the 70’s and the Latah County Fair. I don’t know what it is about fair corndogs, but no one can duplicate that fair taste.

So I explained in mouth watering detail what a corndog was like.

“Will I like them mom?”

“Are you kidding me? You’ll love them,” I answered.

So when Zach got home today I asked him how his first grade experience was. The teachers were nice, the projects were fun, but the corndogs were amazing!

That’s my boy!

jumpin’ in

Walking through the park this afternoon I was taken back to when Zach was a toddler. We use to go to Manito Park all the time to feed the ducks. The pond was murky and disgusting. There was no telling how deep it was. I kept a firm hold on my son’s overalls because, and I hesitate to admit this, I wasn’t sure I would jump in after him. Now of course you know I really would, but with the water so gross it really made me think twice about it. Of course these were inside thoughts.

Fast forward to today. I’m at the park with my good friend Emily. We’ve bonded over babies and church, but most of all we have the same sense of humor. We were noting that there are signs everywhere saying that you cannot feed the ducks. I noticed that the water is much cleaner at the park now that this rule is in place. Then I shared my deep dark secret of hesitating when it came to fishing my child out of the water. She laughed and said that she had that same exact thought .

I knew there was a reason we were friends!

bye bye binky

My son had a binky until he was 3 1/2. I was personally mortified by this. I figured people were judging me-who would let their child have one for so long? (I’ve since discovered that not everyone is thinking about me all the time - go figure!)

I read every article about how to help your child give up his binkies. Putting them on helium balloons and sending them to the babies in heaven (too many binkies and not very environmental). Having the child throw them away themselves to show how grown-up they are (too cruel). I opted for taking the binkies to Toys R Us and trading them in for a toy. (I had a left over gift card from Christmas so it wouldn’t cost me anything - Bonus!)

So Zach and I put all his binkies in a bag and hauled them down to the toy store. I had told him that he might want to chose a stuffed animal that he could sleep with, so he wouldn’t miss his binkies so much. Right away Zach found a big, stuffed, blue and white cat. We brought the cat to the cash register, and I told the pimple faced cashier that we wanted to trade these binkies for the cat. (wink, wink)

He didn’t get it at all - he held up the bag full of binkies and was like, “What do ya want me to do with this?”.

Again I repeated that we were trading these binkies for the stuffed cat (wink, wink - I swear he thought I was hitting on him - as if!). I slid the gift card across the counter.

“So do you just want me to throw these away?”

“Yes,” I hissed in a whisper. Luckily Zach wasn’t paying any attention to our transaction. So many bright and shiny things at Toys R Us to distract him.

After all that fretting the transition was painless. Zach slept easily with his blue and white cat. Isn’t that how most things work with parenting- the things you worry about go smoothly. It is the stuff you haven’t even thought about that sideswipe you.

naps 2

I watch a couple kids during the week. Since I have started to let my youngest stay up in the afternoon, it has been harder to get the other kids to nap. So I took Luke aside and said, “You really aren’t going to take a nap, but can you pretend you are going to go to sleep?”

“Sure Mama - watch me,” and Luke closes his eyes, tilts his head and pretends to be asleep (fake snoring and all).

Nice-that fake snore should fool your friends!

naps

My youngest is transitioning out of naps. This is a sad day for me. He is a great sleeper and if I let him, he would take a 4 hour nap everyday. But I’m beginning to pay at the other end - that is if he takes a good nap, he won’t fall asleep until 10 at night. So do I get a break in the afternoon, or do I get to put him to bed at 7:30 and have a quiet evening with my husband? I’ve been picking the latter, because by the end of the day I am ready for them to go to bed, even if I had a break in the afternoon. But here is the sneaky thing I do. If I’m going to be gone for the evening I give my youngest a nap. I still get the break and I don’t have to deal with the consequences. (shhhhhhh - don’t tell my husband. We’ll see if he really reads my blog!

blessings

Today has been one of those days. Zach has been emotional over everything. Luke has refused to do anything I asked him and has spent so much time in time out I’m afraid his bum might fuse to the stairs just like the poor lady whose butt adhered to the toilet seat. To top it all off I had to take Luke to the doctor because his adenoids were the size of apples. Yeah - more sickness!!!

Then over dinner I remembered what a gift these kids are (good thing because I was about to re-gift them). At dinner we go around the table and share our rose and thorn - the best and worst thing that happened to us that day. When it was Zach’s turn he said that his rose was that the doctor said nothing was seriously wrong with Luke. It almost brought tears to my eyes - he really does love his brother. Despite all the tattling and terrorizing they care about each other - I guess at the end of the day that is all that matters.

baby heroin

Before I had my first child I was totally against little kids watching t.v. I was not going to raise any couch potatoes. My children’s days would be filled with books, creative play and educational outings.

Then Zach was born. The nurses informed me that they had never heard a louder baby. This was my first child so I didn’t know if this was normal. In fact we put off having another child for a long time because I was afraid that maybe Zach was really easy and I was just a weenie. I feared that our second child would show us what tough really was. Thank goodness I was wrong and Lukey ( our second) was an easy baby. The point I’m trying to make is that Zach was a “spirited” baby. (hate that p.c. label- say it like it is - sometimes this baby sucks!)

My brother and his wife had a baby a year before me. They were wonderful about sharing information and baby items. They wanted to send me the Baby Einstein videos, but our mom warned them that I was not going to let Zach watch t.v.

Three months after we had Zach a package arrived in the mail with two Baby Einstein videos. The note with the package simply said, “Come to the dark side! Love, Your little bro”. I ripped off the plastic wrap and popped in that first video (I was willing to try anything at this point). Zachy calmed down immediately. What was this miracle video? I could actually put Zach down and do something for a couple minutes (brush my teeth, shower, comb my hair!). I was sold!

I would love to say that my kids don’t watch t.v. - but they do. Those videos saved my life. For 25 minutes my screaming baby would calm down and coo- baby heroin.

The greatest thing about these videos didn’t surface until Zach could speak. We were down at my parents house and my mom was putting Zach down for a nap. Zach pointed at a picture hanging on the wall and said, “Van Gogh”. Sure enough it was a print of Van Gogh’s. My mom was amazed. Her grandson was a Baby Einstein!

potato man

A couple months ago Luke started saying that he wanted to be a “potato man” when he grows up. We had no idea what he was talking about.

“Mailman?” we would ask.

“No, potato man!”

“Fireman?”

“NO, POTATO MAN!” Luke would reply in his most exasperated 3 year old voice.

This went on for a couple days. Finally Luke found our video case to the movie Toy Story and said, “I want to be a potato man like in this movie”.

Ohhhh - Lukey wanted to be Mr. Potato Head when he grows up. I can see why he identifies with him. They both have extremely large heads. And that whole switching your facial features around to look like a Picasso is a pretty nifty trick.

Aim high little man, aim high!