1st grade

Today Zach entered first grade.  My heart has ached all weekend.  I’ve been an emotional mess just thinking about it.  Every time I saw a back-to-school commercial I would well up (the smell of paste would probably put me over the edge).

What is wrong with me??  Last year when he went off to kindergarten I was thrilled.  Three hours to give Lukey a little one-on-one time (and if I could pawn him off, a little me time).  But six hours seems like such a long day.

I know I’m lucky -  Zach loves school and has an amazing teacher.  I don’t know how parents do it when they have a child with special needs, or a kid who doesn’t want to go to school, or a substandard teacher.  We are truly blessed.

It is just that I can’t control what is going on in his day anymore.  I can’t make a bully leave him alone, find him friends, help him read.  I have to let go a little bit and I don’t feel ready.

I read somewhere that having a child is like wearing your heart on the outside (whoever said this, said it much more poetically).  That is how I’m feeling right now - my heart is aching and I have a lump in my throat.  I want to make everything go great, but I don’t have that power (did I ever??).

When I left him this morning he was so happy - sitting in a group with a bunch of friends from kindergarten.  I know he won’t have any problems.  He’s bright, friendly and eager to please.  I’m the one with the problem.

So I hid my panic, put on a brave face and sent him off into the big wide world-  hoping that some of me rubbed off on him and will keep him safe until he is returned to me at 3:00.

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